Sunday, January 3, 2016

You Are What You Love, Not Who Loves You

The title of my post today, I found in a tweet a couple of days ago. Of course, it was, as many things are on twitter, taken without attribution. Without digging into it too, too deeply, the best I can tell is that it is from the movie Adaptation. Perhaps there is some original source that I don't know of; let me know if that is so.

I have been sitting with this quote for a couple of hours today. For the first hour, it touched me, but I could not wrap my head around it. So, what do I do? I wrote about it doing about a half hour of freewriting.

I still don't have it all worked out, but I have some thoughts to take me into the new year.

2015 was the strangest of years. I started the year having just finished my sabbatical, and had this powerful sense of peace about my life. It was in order. And as I have written previously in this blog, that changed very fast. An extremely unexpected divorce has called so much into question.

And in a very real sense, what I am left with is why I perhaps resonate with the notion of my identity not being attached to who loves me, but to the love that I possess, and how I actualize that in this world.

I am a passionate person. Passionate people are not easy people. We are not go with the flow people. I very reflective, thoughtful and contemplative, yet my passions tend to lead the way. When I love, I love deeply. I love and feel big. A fiend of mine told me told me I have a huge, loyal and loving heart. So, I hurt, and the more I hurt, the more I know that I need to feel, and then get out of myself, and give.

For the last 15 years I have loved a family that no longer exists. The next person who tells me that it just has changed is going to have to smell my gym socks. It is gone. My sense of forever home is gone. I am, in a very real sense, alone. And so, my task has very much been to worry less about who loves me, and focus more on what I love, and how I can love and be of service. What do I stand for now, and what does this mean going forward? What do I have to give, and how should I give it?

These are the questions that I begin my year with. They are in process. I know that I love to be of service to other writers. I know I love writing.

It is a process that I have engaged in nearly every day for the better part of two decades. I am glad this adventure is continuing into the new year. I have much more to learn, and much more, I hope, to give.

Bring it on new universe. Bring it on.

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