Friday, July 1, 2016

Accepting your gifts, and trusting

Some thoughts on self acceptance today; I am going to be real about a struggle I am having. For well over three decades, I have used writing as a way of understanding myself, of learning things about my lived experience of myself that I would not otherwise have. Maybe once I process what I wish to explore, I will find a way of bending it back to the issues I address in this blog. If not, so be it.

This summer I am set to do a couple of grant reviews for federal agencies. I have been a federal grant reviewer since 2004. The truth is, I am sick of doing them.

Taking grant reviews is very practical. I can get them. I am signed up for doing a couple. Yet, they do take a lot of time, but sure money is good when you have a kid entering college. If I take them, however, I may have to say no to potential coaching clients, and that is work that I love.

It comes down to how much I trust in myself, trust the worth of what I offer to others, and that somehow things will work out. Trust in myself, or in some general "goodness" of the universe that I am not always in touch with? Not easy.

So, what would I reflect back to someone else who presented this scenario?

I would probably reflect that I wonder what would happen if you gave yourself to that which you are passionate about, and for which you have gifts. Would you not be more likely to be successful in the long term? Could you not use your energy that would go to grant reviews in a way that would be of service to others, while working on trusting that all will be ok?

This resonates as very true for me, yet, it is scary to let go, trust, and just put my best self out there in the world and let the chips fall as they may.

I don't think I need to consciously bend this back to any lesson on writing or publishing. I will trust you to do that work. Trust in myself. Trust in others. Say no to grant reviews. It has been decided.

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