Yesterday was a hard day. I had the triple whammy of a lot of stiffness in both my “knees” (I have prosthetic devices, aka, knee replacements), a hard conversation with my terminally ill sister, and a painful, abusive conversation with a mentally ill relative. After I hung up with the call, I found myself saying out loud, FML (F#*K my life). FML is, cognitively, shorthand for my life sucks, things are awesome and terrible. I felt super down.
While it is normal to feel sad and feel grief, I immediately knew that I was exacerbating these normal and healthy human emotions with something “extra,”a constellation of irrational/unhelpful beliefs that I needed to challenge.
So, I engaged in Rich’s 5 step model of cognitive change: Contextual awareness, live/in the moment awareness, disruption, disputation (challenge) and then reprogramming (FYI, you now have had half of my graduate course on Cognitive Behavior Therapy).
Awareness-- I have been working on these skills for a long time, so understanding the nature of my beliefs comes fairly easily to me now. I was engaging in several problematic beliefs: Awfulizing (this is the worst thing ever, my life is F*##D), Should or demands (he should not talk to me this way, he should be different), minimizing the positives (only focusing on these events), fortune telling (this is the start of my knees going south), among others.
Disruption-- I pat myself on the head, and say, “shut up brain, I do not need to believe you. What you say is nor the truth--I will analyze you!” This separates me from the thoughts that are causing the darker, exaggerated feelings that I was struggling with (although, some of it, sadness and loss, is very healthy and appropriate).
Disputation-1) Of course he should be this way. This is how he always is, and if I am in contact with him, that is what he will do. What he said about my life means nothing--kind of like the Wa Wa Wa of how the adults speak in Charlie Brown episodes. If I don’t want to hear such things, I can not talk to him or hang up on him, but he is performing who he is, and this is all his destiny--none of my business.
2) How is my life crap? What is the evidence for this? My life is actually pretty amazing. I have amazing work, people who love me, tons of friends, great pets, am loving salsa dancing, love my uke playing, am mostly super fit and healthy, own an amazing home in a great place, etc ect. You are exaggerating things, Brain, and not paying attention to all the good things--no tan bueno.
3) Yes, it is super sad she is sick. Nothing irrational or wrong about the pain I feel. It is healthy--no disputation needed here. But to help me work through it, I reminded myself that I have been honored to be able to be part of my sister’s journey. I am thankful I have been able to be my best self with her.
Reprograming--basically, this will be the repetition of truths that come from my disputing or challenging, some of the above actually are more reprogram statements that serve as challenges.
Even after nearly 30 years of doing this work, I need to practice the tools that keep me well. I am thankful I have them.
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