Toxic People?

The term "dysfunctional families" become vogue in the 80s. If we listened to pop-psych pundits, everyone came from a dysfunctional family. Yet, if this were true, if nearly all families were so broken that they could not care for children well enough to help them become thriving adults, than why are there so many amazing people around? Clearly, the research on resiliency and "good enough parenting" suggests that in spite of their problems, most families seem to do ok! The dysfunctional family discourse was also very, very classist, gendered and racist--the variables and traits of what was termed a dysfunctional family were those clearly associated with the problems of poverty and oppression. Structural barriers were minimized and the family was blamed for the limitations of various systems.

Researchers, scholars, practitioners and advocates have challenged and debunked "the dysfunctional family" by their work in the critical sociology and criminology, the strengths perspective of social work, positive psychology and resiliency theory.

In spite of knowing better, however, many on social media continue to fall pray to an extension of this discourse, without even considering what they are doing. The cultural of pathologizing other human begins continues in full force: we now have "toxic people", the pathologizing diss of the day:

“That person is toxic"

“My dissertation chair was so toxic”

“My colleagues are toxic”

“I am going to get rid of toxic people from my life”

Ever think about the implications of totally pathologizing "the other"?'

First, it strips people of their complexity, fullness, and  humanity. They are toxic, poisoned and poisonous, and thus, not worthy of redemption. We need to clean them up--get rid of this toxicity. Like cancer. Frankly, any discourse that dehumanizes the totality of another others worries me as a human being, but in particular as a Jew who has struggled with disability.

Second, by blaming issues and problems on the toxicity of the other creates no space for relationship, redemption and healing. Forget restorative justice!

Third, they are the problem, and you have no responsibility, right? If your concerns are due to the toxicity of another, and that alone, you give away part of your power, your agency--the ability to critically reflect upon what is going wrong and make changes.

Fourth, if the problem lies within the toxicity of others, it discourages us from a systems perspective. If individuals are fundamentally the problem than any structural or systematic issue tend to be minimized.

Last, if everyone is calling out everyone else for their being toxic, you are at some point going to be the target. YOU will be the problem, 100 percent of the problem in some context, no? I don't see anybody jumping up and down owning their own "toxicity" but these toxic people have to be somewhere, no? Are they hiding in some massive underground cave? A private toxic island their own volcano lair?

No, at the end of the day, there is no such thing as a toxic person. There are only human beings with problems and strengths, with capacities and vulnerabilities. We are all complex constellations of goodness and a wee bit of funk.

A bit of humanity and generosity might go a long way right about now.  I am not going to give any proscriptive suggestions here--this one is for contemplation.