Radical Acceptance

A simple principle of change is that you have to accept something as being true before you are willing to work to change it. This seemingly simple truism is essential for scholars learn, and is often a prerequisite to total self acceptance. Without truly coming to terms with the relationship between acceptance and transformation, it is hard for scholars to give up constantly critiquing and judging every move they make (especially with their writing!). 

Many clients that I have worked with struggle with the notion of self acceptance, or radical self acceptance as I think of it, as they worry that adopting such a perspective will lead to mediocrity. They worry that if they accept themslves and their current skill-set as it currently is, that they will subsequent become resigned to their current "state" and will slip into complacency.

However, as I began this post, accepting yourself totally as being the way you are supposed to be in this moment actually creates the possibility of change. If you accept a truth about yourself, and really allow yourself to feel it without being overwhelmed by it, its far easier to face. I know this feel uncomfortable, but its very, very true.

Radial acceptance. Total acceptance. As a way of moving forward. As a way of being. As a path to growth.

Happy Monday!

Nothing of deep import is on my mind, so lets just write! Writing is a method of inquiry, and leads to the creation of that which is new.

My online article writing workshop starts in a week. If you are hoping to be more productive, I hope you join us. I also include two free hours of coaching along with it. I am excited about starting; this is the first time I have conducted this workshop in a four week, online version. It is a good deal of the material that I teach in my two day live workshops, but of course, there are pros and cons to both. I like the possibility of longitudinally being able to digest and practice skills; and opportunities for more sustained engagement. Still, it is new, so much to work on.

Things are good with me. My baby (almost 19!) is now living back in Tacoma. She starts her first year of college after a wonderful gap year in the Alps; what an amazing person she has become (always was, but....). I am thrilled that she is going to school at UWT, so I will get to hang out with her on campus. That is almost a bucket list item that I have not dared to put on my list; it is her life, her dreams. I am now a witness. Writing this, tears start welling in my eyes (surprise to nobody who knows me); I am in my favorite coffeehouse, so enough with this.

A bit of writing on two book revisions. Online teaching. The gym. Life is simple. Life is good.

20 Reasons Why I Love Coaching

1) I get to work with amazing people
2) I get to be a small part of amazing people living their dreams
3) I get to be a small part of amazing people doing amazing work
4) I get to help people resolve blocks that change not only their careers, but their lives
5) I get to work with amazing people
6) I get to maximize my strengths as a therapist, scholar, academic, bratty-trickster
7) I get to help others maximize their strengths
8) I get to become useless to people as they resolve their "stuff" and become who they wish to be
9) I am really good at what I do, so I get to feel a sense of self efficacy
10) I get to work with amazing people
11) I get to challenge myths about writing and publishing that don't serve most scholars well
12) I get to help people make little fixes that lead to big changes
13) I get to actualize my social work values
14) I have a blast! I laugh. I have fun!
15) I get to work with amazing people
16) I get to live my core value of Tikkun Olam
17) I get to challenge my skills, and develop who I am
18) I get to develop and test new ideas; I am always challenged to learn
19) I am gifted and honored with people trusting me with their most vulnerable selves
20) Did I mention I get to work with amazing people?

Happy 5th of July

You took the holidays off. Good for you! Now, comes the task of reentering your work. It can feel nearly impossible, at times, having to push back into a space that feels uninviting, annoying, and unnatural. This is the problem with too many days off. 

To get you back in, I want you to think of two places in your primary writing project that still need attention, preferably something you can do without too much preparation. 

Now, assign heads to one, and tails to the other. Flip coin. Enter work, and see if you can even write 50 words. If you want to stop after fifty, that is up to you. Once you do that, you have at least broken the seal. Your in.

Accepting your gifts, and trusting

Some thoughts on self acceptance today; I am going to be real about a struggle I am having. For well over three decades, I have used writing as a way of understanding myself, of learning things about my lived experience of myself that I would not otherwise have. Maybe once I process what I wish to explore, I will find a way of bending it back to the issues I address in this blog. If not, so be it.

This summer I am set to do a couple of grant reviews for federal agencies. I have been a federal grant reviewer since 2004. The truth is, I am sick of doing them.

Taking grant reviews is very practical. I can get them. I am signed up for doing a couple. Yet, they do take a lot of time, but sure money is good when you have a kid entering college. If I take them, however, I may have to say no to potential coaching clients, and that is work that I love.

It comes down to how much I trust in myself, trust the worth of what I offer to others, and that somehow things will work out. Trust in myself, or in some general "goodness" of the universe that I am not always in touch with? Not easy.

So, what would I reflect back to someone else who presented this scenario?

I would probably reflect that I wonder what would happen if you gave yourself to that which you are passionate about, and for which you have gifts. Would you not be more likely to be successful in the long term? Could you not use your energy that would go to grant reviews in a way that would be of service to others, while working on trusting that all will be ok?

This resonates as very true for me, yet, it is scary to let go, trust, and just put my best self out there in the world and let the chips fall as they may.

I don't think I need to consciously bend this back to any lesson on writing or publishing. I will trust you to do that work. Trust in myself. Trust in others. Say no to grant reviews. It has been decided.

I am not a good scholar, I am not a bad scholar

The old Al Frankin/ Stuart Smalley skit. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

You feel bad about yourself in some fundamental way. You judge your writing, your teaching, some essential aspects of your personality, or how productive you have (or have not) been.

The SNL skit parodies a frequently prescribed intervention for such thinking: positive affirmations.

And while positive affirmations are certainly better than negative self-appraisals, they are problematic in that the cognitive habit of rating oneself will perpetuate itself as an option: if you can rate yourself as excellent, good, or good enough, you can rate yourself as horrible, awful, and worthless.

The solution is learning to refuse to rate your essential worth. This is often hard for scholars; we have learned, during a lifetime spent in schools, to rate and evaluate everything we do, to compare ourselves to others at all times, in all ways.

"So, Rich, let me understand this," you say as you squirm in your chair (yes, setting up my own strawman fallacy here, bare with me).

"How am I going to improve as a writer and publish more if I accept myself myself totally," you challenge.

I am glad you asked :).

Engaging in radical self-acceptance does not mean that we don't work to improve, or develop our skills. When we learn to not rate ourselves, we tend to be less defensive about improving ourselves and improving our work. We learn to accept our flaws without feeling flawed.

If we develop a philosophy of total self acceptance, we can also more effectively stay in process and work on our craft as fully as we can. Since my work having flaws and not being perfect is just a part of life, and not suggestive of my worth, I can improve and grow without feeling bad about what I have yet to achieve. 

As one of my clients says, crazy talk Rich. This is crazy talk.

For the next few posts, I am going to explore this notion radical self acceptance in a bit more depth. It is really, really important.

Poetic Structures and Forms In Qualitative Research

Ever hit a random milestone that really means nothing for the quality of your life, but you are kind of tickled by it anyhow? Well, that is how I feel about my article, Poetic Structures and Forms in Qualitative Health Research,  now having been cited 100 times. Something about a triple digit citation count for some of my work that sometimes gets people raising a perplexed eyebrow or looking blankly at me while saying, in a somewhat disingenuous and surprised tone,  "that's cool."

Of course, nothing in my life has changed. I am not a better person/scholar because of it, but that said, I am not less of a person/scholar for not having been cited more frequently.

Hmmm. An idea for one of my next posts.