An Email From A Student

It has been a while since I have posted on my blog—I have been reflecting on how I wished to re-enter this space.

Today, it became clear…I present to you an unedited email from a student (with permission), the kind of student that makes all of what we do worthwhile… it also is a reminder of why compassion should trump rigor night now..

Rich

I appreciate you reaching out as a safe place for students to process. I would like to preface my words with the statement that as a white person, my feelings are not even comparable to the utter grief, anger, and exhaustion that my black brothers and sisters are experiencing and have been experiencing for generations. In response to your question, I am angry and overwhelmed. I am tired that our society STILL hasn't figured out how to bring inclusion and equity in society based on race. I got into social work to make a change structurally with my professional and personal efforts. THIS is exactly the type of inequality that I want to see eliminated in society.

I listened to a video recently of a black man explaining that to wake up to the news of a black man being murdered shatters him, yet as a human, he has responsibilities that he must attend to, work to go to, ect. Existing normally in public spheres in the midst of grief and trauma is something that I believe to be almost impossible. I wept at this video, knowing that though individuals experience grief in their daily lives, nothing compares to the collective grief that black individuals feel daily. There is no bereavement for this grief, no opportunity to take a moment, just an expectation to be peaceful and contained.

Needless to say. I am grieved for my nation right now. I am afraid of the future, and I am employing every ounce of my being to be a good ally to my community right now. This quarter has driven me to the edge of myself, and it has been a struggle personally, but more so, nationally, in the last few weeks. I am feeling mentally TAPPED OUT. I'm distracted and have been unable to form thoughts to complete assignments in proper APA format. For many, this is the biggest thing that we have experienced in our entire life. A pandemic, and a nationwide outcry for justice to be served, and for racism to cease in structural oppression. I am at a loss for words, but I know that you are watching the news, and maybe even protesting. I know that you know that things feel unreal right now.

Thank you for reaching out. It means a lot. I am here, trying to give my all, but it doesn't feel like I have much to give, and it definitely doesn't feel like enough. Nevertheless, here we are.

BASW Student, UW Tacoma

Monday Challenge #2

Let two people know when you are going to really be able to get to their work. Be honest with them. We often say, "this week" and know there is no way. Being real allows us to put those tasks aside and focus on what we really have to work on this week.  This is not an easy challenge, as many of us dread disappointing others, so instead, we lie to them (although we never see it as such). Consider.

A Very Simple Model for Article Writing

Forward. Fix. Forward. Fix. Forward Fix.

Monday Challenge # 1

Write at least 100 words on your primary writing project. Decide you are going to do that today, no matter what.

Obey:An Essay

My latest creative nonfiction piece, published in the literary journal, The New Southern Fugitives, Obey. 

The Should Within Shame

In Karen Horney’s work on anxiety and depression she explored what she termed the “tyranny of the should.” She posited that our internalization of social demands is part and parcel to what  traditional psychoanalysts referred to as the super ego. Her work helped psychotherapist from all disciplines and traditions to begin to consider the mechanisms by which the self encounters the other in regard to experiencing shame.

Horney’s work has had an important influence on the development of various systems of cognitive behavioral therapy, including Albert Ellis’s Rational Emotive Therapy (now referred to as Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy). Ellis believed that at the core of all irrational thinking lies an oft-hidden, unrelenting-difficult-to-change “should” or “must.” He coined the term “musterbation” to refer to this type of thinking.

We often do not recognize or “hear” our thinking easily at first, until we develop the ability to “think about our thinking” but when we do, this type of thinking often sounds like “I must do this.” I should have done that.”  The internal experience is shame.

The shame that many academics feel about their careers is very much linked to this phenomenon. Shame is very much musterbation, or the internalization of should, about that which we should or should have not done or accomplished in the past. Some shame is highly pro-social, and keeps us from doing harm to others. 

When applied to one’s careers, the internalization of this demandingness often sounds like:

By now, I should have….

I should have been a great scholar by now..

I should have published X books….

I should have a citation count of x…..

I should be more cited than X (insert internalized competitor)….

What is most insidious about these "shoulds" is that there is usually a secondary evaluation.

Since I should have done X by now, and I have not, I am therefore X (harsh evaluation)

The last X can be filled in by some pretty hard judgments: unworthy, not smart, not good enough, useless, worthless, or perhaps less harsh but often still-debilitating variations: not as really as smart as people think, not as competent as people think,  not as good a writer as, etc.

It is hard for me to know how to end this post—I usually like to end with a nice pithy statement of hope. However, when it comes to such “shoulds,” it often takes hard work with someone well-trained to help you reprogram yourself. You deserve it.

Timer-Defining the Undefined

Some tasks can take as long as we give them. Take grading student papers, for example. We could literally spend hours on each paper--there is always more to comment on (although, the more feedback we give, the more likely students are to pay attention to none of it, from my experience).

However, taking hours on each paper is not possible regardless—we have too much to do. Yet, how do we insure that we don’t spend too much time on grading (and other such tasks, like writing letters of recommendation or service-related writing)?

Use the timer. Decide on an amount of time that you are willing to spend and set the timer for one minute less than that number, and go. Feel the pressure of time. Just a bit. When the timer goes off, it is time to start writing it up.